No, it’s not my birthday.
(But I’m always accepting gifts of kittens, fuzzy blankets, and books should you be so inclined)
Two weeks ago A Wasted Life turned 1.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AWL!
I REALLY want to tell you that starting A Wasted Life has been all I imagined it would be.
I want to tell you that it has been wholly life-giving and easy.
I want to tell you that I am more confident in my writing, that I make time for creativity, and that my blog stats are good.
But that would make me a liar.
The truth is that I thought this would be something that it isn’t.
I thought this would be . . . easier.
I thought this would . . . bear more fruit.
I thought this would be . . . more exciting.
I thought this would be . . . something different.
But it hasn’t.
Starting this blog one year ago was both exhilarating and terrifying.
I find myself thrilled at the brink of new adventures and equally paralyzed by the possibility of failure.
Nevertheless, my prayer has always been this:
“Let every word that falls out of me be a neon sign for your glory, God.”
I’ve hoped and prayed that my words have been shining, obvious,
and beautiful displays of God’s glory and grace.
But as much as I want to give you proof, and numbers, and testimonies, I’m choosing not to.
As much as I want to report that my followers are increasing and people are responding,
I’m choosing today, on the heels of our first birthday, not to do that.
As much as I want to be able to celebrate and shout from the rooftops
the success of A Wasted Life, I’m choosing not to.
As much as I want to cling to any semblance of achievement and effectively #humblebrag my way through another year of pouring words out for the world to read, I’m choosing not to.
Because even though I thought this adventure would be something that it isn’t…
what it IS, has been exactly what I needed.
I have learned deeper dependence. I have learned humility. I have learned to take criticism.
I have learned how to be bold.
I have learned how to make time for the gift that God has given me.
I have learned that just because something is popular doesn’t mean you have to write about it.
And most of all, I have learned, and am continuing to learn how to waste myself.
Every day, with every prayer, with every word God imparts to me, and with every post I publish, I am feeling myself slipping further into utter wastefulness.
A wastefulness that screams from within me,
“TAKE THE WORLD & GIVE ME JESUS.”
In a culture teeming with talk about followers, retweets and shout outs, I will still take Jesus.
In fact, I will forever and always take Jesus.
So, while this year has been probably the opposite of what I dreamed up,
I see now that I needed it.
I needed this year of this blog to help make me into the person He is molding me into.
Even if no one else needed this blog,
even if no one needed these words,
even if no one needed this to happen,
This year has truly made me a wasted life.
Wastefully spent for good. Completely given as an offering. Lavishly offered for His glory.
And this blog has helped me see something I should have already known:
to celebrate waste brings Him glory
So, today I am choosing to burst that birthday bravado.
I’m taking a pin to those colored balloons.
I’m scraping all the icing off the cake while no one is looking (which I do anyways!).
I’m choosing to celebrate wasting myself on a Love that will far outlast what happens on the internet and is far sweeter than a stranger somewhere knowing my name.
I’m choosing to celebrate waste instead of celebrating this birthday.
I’m bursting that Birthday Bravado
because I’d rather have Him in the dirt and in the dark . . . than be alone in the spotlight.
I’d rather be unknown to the world . . . than not know His leading or His voice.
I’d rather have Him and be spent . . . than throw a party for myself without Him.
Thank you God for teaching me to be a wasted life.
Here’s to year #2 . . .
take the world and give me Jesus.